I honestly am filled with so much love when I read what you are leaving here on the blog. I sincerely never expected it and I am so grateful that so many animal lovers just “get it”. I’ve lost people close to me in my life and this really does drudge up some of those times in my life again. My father has been gone for 14 years and it still is as painful as the freshness of Merlin’s passing. It’s just indescribable and your warm hearts and words mean more to me than you probably will ever know.
I threw away all of Merlin’s medicines. At least now, he doesn’t have to take those every day. His arthritis is gone and he’ll never feel thirsty again as he did. I looked out back this morning and I can still see his foot trail in the snow from where he went out on Saturday night. I had to meet him half way out there before we decided to leave because he just could barely walk in the snow. I picked him up and carried him back the rest of the way and in the house. I hate to see the snow melt. I hate to see that trail gone. I know that underneath the snow are a couple of his babies (stuffed animals) including his Murray (what we called his long dog animal that you see on the Petsmart commercials).
You don’t realize how much of a habit it was to call out to him. I find myself looking down at the floor or around the house to see him. Sophie is acting strange. Now, she’s the cat that despised him. She never comes into my bedroom and yesterday we found her sleeping in my closet. I could understand if it were Mufassa, but not Sophie.
Last night, we decided not to go to Weight Watchers. Instead, I went with my mom to pick up some gifts for her bosses and I ended up buying a couple of things for my studio. After the money I spent this weekend at the hospital, I don’t know where I thought it was coming from. We stopped at Schnucks and I bought cupcakes and icing. Mom said I had just for that day to eat that stuff and then no more. I flipped off their crappy icing and iced them myself with Triple Chocolate Fudge Chip Betty Crocker frosting. Chocolate sure feels good.
I stayed up really late last night to start working on an iPhoto book. I don’t have time to scrapbook pages of Merlin – maybe someday, so I just opted to do their auto fill. Nearly 100 pages later I uploaded it this morning. I took so many pictures of him and barely scratched the surface with the ones I did finally choose to use. Nothing fancy, not a lot of editing other than some lightroom presets. But, it’s Merlin’s book. Something I want to be able to look at.
Anyone have a cure for a raw and tender nose? It really hurts as I did NOT use good Kleenix. Try shirt sleeves and a paper towel. Ouch.
And, in case you are wondering, and please don’t judge me, but I chose to have Merlin cremated. I have never done anything like that before. Both my father and sister are cremated. I had to decide so fast and it was just what felt right. Back when he was sick earlier in the year, I started looking into this and luckily the clinic could have this done for me without me having to make the plans and all. I want to find him a nice rock urn type thing to put in the backyard. God, I loved seeing out the window, him just sitting in the sun and soaking it in. Call me silly and crazy, but it’s what I feel I have to do.
Okay, it’s time to start moving forward and getting back on track. I think I’ll try and do another countdown later tonight so you aren’t left hanging. It’s just been hard to concentrate on the stuff I don’t have to at the moment. If you’ve emailed me for something I promise to try and get back soon. I’m feeling a little bit overwhelmed at the moment.
I leave you with a photo of my little dude when he was much more lively and vivacious. I love this picture.
(March 28, 2005)
Much love,
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by Holly
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