…and then I have to stop.
But, I’ll keep it short. I am finding today is a lot harder and I can’t stop sobbing like a baby. I think the cats are starting to freak out on me.
Anyhow – Saturday I mentioned him being more sluggish. It got worse in the evening and after midnight mom and I opted to drive to the Animal Emergency Clinic. We braved the horrific road conditions due to 8 inches of snow being dumped on us over here and was still semi-coming down. He lay there so lethargic in my arms. They insisted he stay overnight and we got home about 4 am. I can’t remember when I fell asleep, but was woke up some time on Sunday to the doctor calling me to let me know that his condition had worsened. Jake and Andrea met me up there and mom caught up to us too. His prognosis was too grim for me to consider surgery. You begin that debate in your heart about what the right thing to do is and how much you’re willing to do. There was bacteria in his abdomen and he was vomiting blood. He was dying and I felt so guilty for not calling the doctor that morning when my gut told me to. Not that she could have done anything for him, but maybe he wouldn’t have been suffering.
They brought Merlin into us and his body was so ragged and frail. He was breathing so hard and couldn’t even really show excitement as he normally would have when he first would see me from being away from him. They gave us a moment with him and he started to struggle before they could administer any drugs to help ease him and make it more peaceful. But she quickly came and helped at the end. His eyes remained open and I just stared into them feeling so sad that he was gone. That it was so quick and my goodbye was too fast.
Today is so much harder. It’s so quiet in here. Working from home is much lonelier without him by my feet. I’m trying to do what I have to get done today in between my sob fests. My nose is hurting so bad right now. I could seriously use a shower.
I want to reply to each and every one of you, but forgive me if I don’t. I’m just so grateful to you for even thinking of me and for those of you that enjoyed the things I shared about Merlin or even followed his story for so long.
I was going through my layouts of Merlin and found this one that I did after he had his problems last December. They were his Christmas photos and my journaling was geared towards remembering him should he go.
If I feel like it I will try and catch up the Countdown to Christmas – just be patient with me for a bit and know I’m reading your emails.
Love,
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by Holly
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